I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
