How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
