I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
