I puked a lego.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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