I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
