Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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