your thong is hanging out like whoa
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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