I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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