He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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