The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
