I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
