She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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