I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
