Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
