More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
