pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
