i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
