I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
