so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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