Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
