Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
