We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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