i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
please come you make the beer taste better
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
