It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
