I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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