Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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