My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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