Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
