New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
