Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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