"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
