Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
