I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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