when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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