I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
