so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
