Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
