Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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