dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
