I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
