I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
