i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
