He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
