i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
