my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
