I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
