I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
