I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
