Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
