just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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