just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
